The Wittiest Blog Name Ever

Amy I am...

2006-03-07T21:18:00.000-08:00

... I always thought of myself as Elizabeth, but no
I see now I am Amy Dudley
I am the same stupid girl
the same stupid girl who rushed to help you fill out your visa papers
help you with your dream
and stabbed myself with every pen stroke
I am the same girl who waited and died and killed for you
for what I thought you needed to be happy
I will rot, I will not shine
I don't know if I will throw myself down the stairs
or cut myself until I bleed
I don't know if I can turn myself off
make the most of it for my children
I have no voice
my opinion doesn't count, so why have one
with no opinion, no thoughts, no feelings
one hardly exists
that's some mother, yeah that's some wife
Run
no wonder you run

stess

2005-04-24T01:05:00.000-07:00

stress stress fucking stress I can't fucking sleep stress gods...

racing racing racing mind racing fucking mind circuluar fucking thinking...

Oh my fucking god could I please just be sleepy???

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

It's hard...

2005-04-15T01:59:00.000-07:00

... It seems like most every one of my friends has serious relationship troubles. I feel bad, I can't help them. I can't say anything. I can't lie. I can't sympathize, not really. I don't have serious relationship issues. I adore my husband. I always have. We more than get along. I would have known him anywhere. I was lucky enough to meet him at only seventeen years old, and not have to suffer the years of bullshit dating, sad, halfhearted relationships, and just... the floundering that I see all around me. Some people seem to think I have missed out, but I don't feel that way at all. I feel blessed. My husband is the reason I believe in something more than this one life. I know there is more. With him I have been there.

I feel like I betray him because I can't sing his praises. I listen to my friends' sorrow about their disconnection with their husbands and lovers, with their search for what it is that is missing in their lives. My life is not perfect, but my love is. I never doubt it. I can't say, "Gee that really sucks, too bad you don't have a relationship like ours." I have to say nothing, and encourage them to go on. Today my sister-in-law was on about how her new boyfriend must not be "the one" because she has doubts, and I say it's only natural to have doubts. She reminds me that I didn't have any doubts, and it's true. And I betrayed my love by saying "Yes but I was so young." so I can try and give her some hope. It had nothing to do with my youth. I would have known him at any time and anyplace. I betray him by not singing from the rooftops, he is my love. I feel bad for the people who are searching, searching, searching, but I learned a lesson today. Never again will I hide my smile, my joy in my love. Let that be what gives my friends some hope.

btw
Today April 15... it’s not just “tax day”. It’s also “Bring Your Favorite Pasta Dish To Work Day” and if you don’t work it’s just “Eat Your Favorite Pasta Dish Day”. Visit http://www.ilovepasta.org/ to talk pasta, pasta, pasta!

But there are..

2005-04-11T23:49:00.000-07:00

364 UNbirthdays!

Precisely why we're gathered here to cheer!

A very merry Unbirthday to YOU!!

Unless of course it is your Birthday. If that's the case, piss off. Don't you have a REAL party to go to?

---

That’s it. From now on I’m just going to make up holidays.

Today April 11th is... Trout Day.

Celebrate all things trout. Have a trout sing-along. Make trout masks. Visit
http://www.tu.org/site/pp.asp?c=7dJEKTNuFmG&b=275410
and be sure to tell them Happy Trout Day!!!

In a few moments it will be April 12... which as everyone knows is National IBS awareness day. Visit http://www.ibsgroup.org/ and learn all about IBS.
Celebrate by running to the toilet once an hour with bottom clenched.

Happy Holidays!

Holy Fucking Shit...

2005-04-11T21:54:00.000-07:00

... I just have nothing to say. Let's see, what happened today?

Well, Linda came over and we hung out. Cat and Cecie hung out. We got some wicked good pictures of them too. They are so cute. We know how to make babies. Then I ran some errands with Linda and drove her around the foothills so she could see the flowers because she thinks she is going to die tomorrow. She has to have her galbladder out and she is wigging. I'm sure it will be fine. She should milk it for all she can when she gets home though. Woman deserves it.

Then Cat and I walked to school with Pat and waited for him while he was in class. Cat had diarreah that leaked all over her and me while some dumb-ass was talking to me about how she was a 'baby genious' to be at college already. Like seven people said this to me. Ha! Yes morons, it's fucking hilairous and clever. Really.

Now I'm waiting for my ear to stop hurting so I can go to sleep. Ears suck.

I've been wanting to finish my children's books, but I just can't draw anymore. I don't want the drawings to look like they were done by a child, afterall. Maybe I could credit Cat for them and then all would be well.

Blah blah blah

2005-03-29T22:59:00.000-08:00

blah blah blah... underwear... you ain't seen nothin yet!

Seriously, this is what is playing in my head over, and over, and over. I'm not sure if the word underwear is really even in that song, but I like to think so.

Right now, my daughter is eating, well chewing on a dog toy. I'm letting her. Baby droll, dog droll, it's all the same.

Huh, think it tastes like crap, she's fussing. Gotta go!

OMG I am so pissed...

2005-02-17T22:48:00.000-08:00

... I was just checking the email before bed and got a note for Pat's finacial aide application. Says he/we were declined for a Federal Pell Grant. WTF?

So you're supposed to be able to pay for the medical fees and other fees for having an infant, and the living expense in CA, and all the fees associated with going to a UC?? Riiiiight.

I want to bomb something.

Well fuck...

2005-01-28T01:01:00.000-08:00

... I can't sleep. And I can't go upstairs and get it on (that's right people, my poonanie is healed... finally) because I'm not feeling that great.

I have absolutely nothing to say. And here you are reading that. You must have insomnia too.

We could start a club.

We could call it... Um... I have no fucking idea. How about "losers who can't sleep".

Sounds good.

Happy New Year!

2004-12-31T20:03:00.000-08:00

... And all that shit. What are we doing? Watching Family Feud. Seriously.

So Big Guy called tonight. I missed it though. It is so cool talking to her again because it makes me feel young. Plus she doesn't watch Oprah, and Dr. Phil, and soap operas all the time (at least I don't think she does! Woah that would freak me out if she did!!) so it's nice to talk to someone who also isn't in to all of that bullshit crap. Someone else who sees the world differently. Someone who's elevator got off on the same floor as mine, if you will. (Inside joke).

Someone who I have 50,000 inside jokes with!

Pat says Big Guy brings out a better part of my personality than Linda. I guess he likes me to be, I don't know, slightly askew would be the term? Heh. Anyway, I gotta call her back. But I won't tonight because she's probably out, or working.

We went to look for a new apartment in the town where we are moving. It is hellishly, freakishly expensive. Oh my god, they wanted like $1,200 for a 2 bedroom and you also had to pay for water, and parking! Parking! Crack smoking freaks!!! I don't know what we will do.

I am so board right now that I am going to go watch one of those 'best of 2004' things on tv. You know, it will be on every channel. They should have a really weird one about random shit.

Speaking of Random Shit, here is a funny absolution list off of Zack Braff's blog:

Forgo all exercise (including walking),
Learn to smoke (something thin like Capri's),
Take my loved one's for granted,
Stop washing my hands after twosies,
Laugh at babies who are late walkers,
Pull leaves off trees that appear to be flourishing,
Name the yet to be named voices in my head (something tough like Carl or Kyle)
Be less kind to bunnies,
Floss everything but my teeth,
Travel (but only around my yard and with a light carry-on)
Stop and smell the Rosens. (They're a wonderful family and absolutely compulsive about showering.)

That guy is hilarious.

Garden State...

2004-12-28T19:56:00.000-08:00

... is a great movie! It's out on DVD now. Go out and buy it. It will make you think. It will wake you up.

Here's what I'm thinking, I'm not unhappy. I'm thinking of when we first met. I'm remembering how almost immediately I saw myself in you, and for the first time in my life I didn't feel alone in the world. It was you, and me, and THEM. They see the world differently. I am wondering when I stopped being okay with that. I am wondering when I decided it was more important to be liked than to be true to myself. People don't like me. I see the world in a different way than most people and they don't like it. That is okay. It's better than okay. What exactly got me to start acting like a different person than I am? What set it off, when did I start acting like that person full time? And now I'm angry that no one treats me like a person. I feel like that because no one really knows me. But you do. You must have wondered where I'd gone. But you knew I was in there somewhere. Well, I'm back.

I think the easiest path to freedom would be to turn my back on everyone I know, everyone but you and our beautiful daughter. Turn my back, step into the world, and never look back. I do not want to be around anyone who puts me in a box. But I don't have that option. The road is hard. I have to look at these people in the face and smile and say, take it or leave it, I don't care. And I have to mean it. I have to not let their cares, their ideas, their view of the world weigh me down. It's okay to not wear Oprah lenses. It's okay to see the dirt.

It's better than okay to not be in a box, to not act "as you are expected to" just to make other people happy and comfortable. It's up to each of us to see that we are already happy. It's not anyone's responsibility to make anyone else happy. I will not be put in a box of housewife, of college drop out. I love staying at home with my beautiful daughter. I love hanging out in my pajamas with my love. I hate school. And I am okay with that. I'm happy with it.

There is no box. It's so much easier to accept things without looking deeper. It's so much easier to just react to each other through the rolls we are told we have to play. But it's fake. It's not life. There is no point in winding through 10 or 20 years of friendships and relationships that are nothing more than reactions to characters. I'm not a character. I am myself. People will know me, and they can hate me if they want to. And I will at last be at peace with that.

This is...

2004-11-28T22:09:00.000-08:00

... a cute poem.

Song for a Fifth Child

Mother, oh Mother, come shake out your cloth
empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
hang out the washing and butter the bread,
sew on a button and make up a bed.
Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She's up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.

Oh, I've grown shiftless as Little Boy Blue
(lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
(pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo).
The shopping's not done and there's nothing for stew
and out in the yard there's a hullabaloo
but I'm playing Kanga and this is my Roo.
Look! Aren't her eyes the most wonderful hue?
(lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).

The cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow,
for children grow up, as I've learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust go to sleep.
I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.

by Ruth Hulburt Hamilton

Okay...

2004-11-26T01:03:00.000-08:00

... here is the back story:

My DD just got over being sick a couple of weeks ago because my SIL came over when she was sick (I didn't know she was sick). I was very upset. It HAS to be mentioned that my niece (same SIL's DD) very nearly died as a baby and was in the NICU for 6 weeks because she got sick from being exposed to a common cold. These people are always sick. Plus they lie about being sick. Since everyone knows they are always sick and they are always making other people sick we will ask them when they want to come over, "No one is sick though, right?" and they will say no. But then they get here and tell you that they were "up all night puking - but don't worry - NOW we are fine." Ummmm Hello?? It's like they are mental.

Okay. So.

Today at Thanksgiving they were there and we were sitting with them. (We usually get along VERY well). My other niece from a different SIL who is 5 was playing with my DD. After a few minuets she started coughing. I didn't think anything of it. Then she was coughing more and more. THEN she turns around and tells me "I have a cold." She is in my baby's face and has her hands all over her... I am not happy. But I'm not mad at my niece or anything she is too little to know better. So I wait a minute and I calmly pick up my DD and tell my niece that I need to hold her now, etc.

My niece walks away and I say "Man! We just got over being sick! I hope she doesn't get sick again, poor baby!" My SIL and BIL (the ones who got my DD sick before, etc) start making all these comments. They say "Well whenever there is a big group of people around someone is bound to be sick and then the baby is going to get sick, that's what having kids is all about! Getting sick all the time, one right after the other!" And I say something about how I don't agree, and then they say "Well I guess you can just carry her around in one of those little bubble things then." And laugh their asses off.

I am fuming.

I say that it is a good thing for the baby to be exposed to things, that builds up her immune system. Being exposed to things means going with me to the grocery store, going to family functions, etc. I am saying that having someone who is sick coughing in her face and touching her all over is not at all smart and that I am not having it. And to do otherwise is stupid and insane.

They are saying that kids just get sick no matter what, and that you should basically do NOTHING to try and prevent this. And to do or think otherwise is being an insane overly protective mom.

Yeah, I am really still mad about this and am over reacting. But honestly, this is exactly what happened. And fuckedy, fuck, fuck, fuck it makes me mad.

End rant.

By the way...

2004-11-24T22:58:00.000-08:00

... this

is how cute my daughter is.

What...

2004-11-24T22:51:00.000-08:00

... can I say? You know for sure you're in a bad way when you are actually looking forward to a family gathering. I've been looking forward to Thanksgiving all week. And it's not just that my chubby ass can't wait for some mashed potatoes, but I am looking forward to seeing people. *gasp* What does this mean? Does it mean aliens have come and sucked out the part of my brain that hates others? Maybe. Usually around this time I would be having trouble sleeping because I would be so bitter that I have to spend a day off with my retarded fucking family, instead of sleeping and watching television. I'm at a loss. This is what happens when you never leave the house.

Speaking of leaving the house, it took me 3 hours to go to Target and the grocery store today. Three fucking hours. Fuck what a waist of time. It's so annoying to waist time AND money.

God I wish I had something intelligent or profound to say.

I promised...

2004-11-06T11:28:00.000-08:00

... I'd post up a pic of the Special Anniversary Hats. Here ya go:

Good luck running for president someday now that's been posted hun! :-) We look really sane and normal. Honest.

Speaking of sane and normal, I am (we are) hiding in our house today. Hiding from our relatives. LEAVE US ALONE!

I've been sleeping on the couch for a couple of days because Cat isn't feeling well. Also it's more comfortable than our bed and my back hurts less. Also it's easier to get up and go to the bathroom than crawling out of the bed. We've got one of those co-sleeper things and it's nice but hard to get in and out of bed. Even though I'm not preggers anymore I still have to pee a ridicules five or so times a night. So what with that and feeding the baby, I'm kinda a zombie.

We got a bunch of Schwan's food delivered today. I'm sure it's all heart attack in a box, but at least it's easy to cook.

Hubby got accepted into a proper college for next fall! This is great, and I'm so happy we can move out of this I-can't-say-enough-cuss-words-to-describe town. We'll have to live in student housing which, while cheap, is very small. Literally half the size of our apartment now. I am wondering what the heck to do with my stuff. I have pretty good stuff. (And a garage full of utter crap.) That can go. I think I am going to have to be one of those dumb ass people with storage that I always make fun of. “If you don't use it you don't need it”. But my situation is temporary. I have seriously met people with like 4-5 bedroom houses with a garage, and no kids living at home, who STILL have a storage. Give me a damn break. Gluttonous freaks.

We are going to have a poker night today. Pretty cool. I plan on kicking some serious ass.

Oh I forgot..

2004-11-04T19:50:00.000-08:00

... about the other two horrible traumatizing things that happened to me this week. I am still in shock from both. I need serious counseling. My view of the world is forever altered, and I may have trouble leaving my house for the next few years. The horror of these two events is compounded because they happened one right after the other. I still shudder to think about it.

One. My daughter got her first immunizations on Monday. Horror.

Two. Bush won. Horror.

Sorry I haven't...

2004-11-04T19:31:00.000-08:00

... posted much in the last millennia. What with the 50 stitches, and my retarded ass family, I've been kinda busy.

Speaking of retarded ass family. I just can't say enough.

Lets go for the latest bullshit out of "you-can't-possibly-be-serious-ville". My hubby was really, REALLY sick for like over a week. Guy was dying. Okay not really, but it was a nasty cold. My baby and I did not get sick, even though we all sleep in the same bed.

My sister-in-law insists on coming over all the fucking time. ALL the fucking time. So she comes over when hubby is sick and then she and her whole family get it. She calls and tells me she is horribly, horribly sick. Two days later she insists she is miraculously better and *needs* to come over to use my computer. I begrudgingly let her. Anyway, long story short, Catherine is sick now. She has a runny nose.

FYI: To a new mom a runny nose means your child simply must be going down the ugly road to a long hospital stay, followed by a horrid death.

Anyway, this woman's child DID have to go to the hospital for several weeks when she was an infant because she got a cold... so what the fuck is the problem with her and everyone in her damn family not respecting me and my wishes... And where the FUCK is their common sense, especially considering their history? My sister-in-law won't wash her hands, and seriously wears the same clothes 3-5 times in a row.

I guess I'm the dumb ass for letting her come around.

My other, younger, childless, sister-in-law says on hearing Cat is sick, "Oh well it's good for her immune system. Of course you are OVERLY-PROTECTIVE of your child, and a new mom doesn't want to hear it, but being sick is good for her."

You heard right folks, having a cold in November is *good* for an 8 week old baby.

Fuck, I must be looking at the world all wrong in that case.

This is a post...

2004-10-07T11:57:00.000-07:00

... for the sake of that I haven't really posted lately. Wa-hoo!

So something freakish happened. An old friend from high school called completely out of the blue the other day. I haven't talked to her in like five years. She was all wigged out on drugs. But apparently she is clean now. It was nice talking to her but I have to admit, I am glad she lives in a different town.

We seem to be loosing the breast feeding battle. I still can't believe it. But I am determined not to get too depressed about it, there's no point, it won't change anything. Catherine is doing fine, so I should just think about that.

Apart from being somewhat suicidally tired, I am well. But I have to admit, at 4:30 am when I've only had a couple of hours of sleep and I know that some fucking relative is insisting on coming around the next day, I do get flashes of getting a lovely knife from downstairs and getting some REAL sleep. But it only lasts for a second. Sleep deprivation is a powerful thing though.

Everyone says you're so tired why don't you have Pat feed the baby at night? Um... well he has to WORK and I don't for one thing. Also he doesn't seem to like to feed her. But he does lots of other stuff. Feeding her just takes so LONG.

But this isn't a bitch fest. I'm good, we are all good. People keep asking "is there anything I can do to help?" I've started being honest and telling them "Yeah actually! You could hire me a house keeper, a chef, and a driver..." no one has taken me up on this yet. Not sure why!

Saturday is our 5 year wedding anniversary. I am predicting a day of laying around in pajamas, bad TV, and general laziness all around. Hum... haven't done THAT for a while *smirk*.

OOOOHHH We've got to make special Anniversary Hats! Pictures will come! (The level of my (our) freakishness is about to be revealed!).

Cat is...

2004-09-20T11:28:00.000-07:00

... doing much better with the supplementing. I really hate doing it though.

We see the lactation consultant at the hospital tomorrow. It really pisses me off that I've had to wait a whole week to see them. I wonder if I would have been able to avoid the formula all together if we'd been able to get in sooner. They should really have more people to help. We'll see.

Pat is having to go back to work, but part time. That's sad, but I am sick of watching The West Wing and random war movies from any given decade. ;-) I fucking hate war movies. A lot. Really a lot.

Not much going on on the home front. People have stopped coming by all the time - thank all the gods. I was really getting too tired. Plus I can't not pick up the house because people are coming. I know it's lame and obsessive compulsive, but hey, that's me.

Cat actually slept in her bassinet last night. She hates that thing. It's so annoying because she wouldn't sleep in it before so I ordered a co-sleeper. It's due to come tomorrow. Figures. But it's okay because she will grow out of the bassinet much much sooner than the co-sleeper. Plus with the co-sleeper I don't have to hurt my back picking her up out of it.

I feel bad because I got kinda mad at her last night. I was just so tired and she wouldn't stop fussing. I feel guilty for getting mad, but I guess it happens.

Later!

A poem...

2004-09-17T19:52:00.000-07:00

... for Catherine

Her bright soul lights me through my small sorrows
She is the deer, the bird, the star
She holds the promise of all things good in her tiny hands
She is peace and love and light
I see her bright soul has walked with me always
It was she who gave me the gift to smile through the dark times
It was she who held my hand
To care for this bright soul
Who is fields of flowers and everything that beautiful
Her tiny hand in mine
This is peace
This is love
This is light

Pictues of Cat!

2004-09-17T08:51:00.000-07:00

Sorry the pics are so big, photoshop isn't working!

Cat & Mommy

Cat & Daddy

Cat... being Cat

... Cat's Birth Story...

Catherine Elizabeth, born Sept 1 at 7:15 pm. 7 lbs exactly, 18 1/2 inches long, at 38 weeks 1 day gestation. Apgars of 9/9! :-)

Hi everyone! I am REALLY tired and I've had about 50 stitches so it's hard to sit in this hard chair! So this is typed in bits and pieces. :-)

Some of you may remember that I posted about having regular contrax last Thursday all day. I kept having them at around 6-5 min apart 24 hours a day from Thursday until Tuesday. Tuesday they progressed to 2 1/2 min apart. After three hours of that I went down to L&D thinking "this is it!!". They hooked me up to the monitors and there they contx were 2 1/2 min apart like clockwork. The nurse checked me and I was sill at 2 1/2 cm (same as a whole week before) after no change with walking around they sent me home. I asked her "so if I don't come down when they're 2 1/2 min apart when DO I come down?" she said if they get stronger.

They didn't really get stronger all night so I just went into my reg appointment that was the next morning at 9:00 am. My mw walked in and asked if I was still having them. I told her I was and she was upset because the nurse was supposed to have given me a muscle relaxant to get my uterus to rest, so maybe more productive contrx could have a chance to start up. She said I'd been in labor since Thursday (nearly a whole week!!) and that she needed to induce me before things got dangerous or I was just too exhausted and would need a c-sec. I agreed!!

I checked into the hospital at 11:00 am and they monitored me. I had gone up to 3 cm, so was making some small progress on my own. My contx were like very strong menstrual cramps combined with back pain and diarrhea like cramps. I had to breath through them but was not miserable. I was just so sick of having them! :-)

My mw came in and broke my water at 1 pm. It didn�t hurt when she broke it at all (felt like an internal exam). She said she'd give me an hour to go up at least one more cm before starting pitocin, as I really wanted to avoid it. I planned to go drug free. As soon as she broke my water the pain of my contx increased about 15x. Don't get your water broken unless absolutely necessary! :-)

I got into the shower and was dealing with the pain fairly well. It was intense. I had to go back for monitoring, she checked me an hour after my water broken and I was already at 5 cm! Yay! No pitocin needed! About 10 min after that I started to hyperventilate from the pain.

I don't want to scare anyone, but it was very intense. But keep reading and you'll see why! :-) I pretty quickly threw my no drug plan out the window and literally begged for the epidural. (I didn't want any narcotics like demerol because I didn't want to feel out of control). The nurse said no problem and that the anestegiologist (sp?) would be around 1/2 an hour. I managed the contrax by telling myself that each one was the last one before the epi man came.

The epidural was so easy, I had no complications from it, nor did my baby. The only hard part was sitting still through the contrax to get it in. Relief was almost immediate.

The nurse checked me again (this was about 40 min since she had checked me before and I was at 5 cm) She said "Your cervix is gone, you are at 9 1/2"!!!! So I had gone from 3 cm to 9 1/2 in only 2 1/2 hours - THAT is why it was too intense for me to do it without the epi. (The epi man is my best friend). The baby was stuck behind my bone so I had to wait for 3 more hours before I could start pushing. This was no big deal thanks to the epi!

I started to feel pain again and lots of pressure. My mw checked me and told me I could go ahead and start pushing with my contx. After the first couple the epi was really wearing off and I got that strong, primal urge to push like you read about. It felt wonderful to push! Even at this stage my contx were still 2 1/2 min apart. I pushed for only 1 1/2 hours (it seemed MUCH shorted to me :-)). My mw was out of the room when suddenly the baby started to crown. The nurse ran to get my mw and they scrambled to set up the tables etc. My mw wasn't ready at my next contax and I wasn't allowed to push. That was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, NOT pushing with that contx. Somewhere in my mind I remembered that she had to check for the cord, and I could hurt my baby if I pushed. That gave me the strength not to push.

With my next contax I was allowed to push again (yay!) and her head and shoulders came out. She was suctioned and the mw had me reach down and pull her out and onto my chest myself. That was very cool! :-)

My tear is on the inside only, but it's messy. It's a flap of tissue that got torn, so that's why I had so many stitches. It took her 45 min to stitch me, but I didn't feel it. After that I got to hold Catherine again and breastfeed her for the first time. She is a champ and took to it right away. I keep thinking I must be doing something wrong because I have NO trouble with it at all. :-)

So from the time she broke my water to birth was 6 hours 15 min. Crazy huh? :-) I took Bradley classes and was very against having any meds, but I don't regret the epi at all. In fact I think it's one of the smartest decisions I have ever made!

We came home last night and are doing great! I feel very calm and happy and my DH is soooooooo in love. It is the sweetest thing I have ever scene. I was so looking forward to my little baby's arrival, but I never knew it would be so much FUN to take care of her.

Thanks for reading if you made it this far!

:-)

New Cat

Yep...

2004-08-30T08:30:00.000-07:00

...still pregnant.

Holy crap...

2004-08-24T21:27:00.000-07:00

... I am so FUCKING sick of being pregnant.

If I sit here and have one more day full of contractions and NOTHING happens... I will go insane! INSANE!!

Why can't I just be one of those people who's water breaks and they head to the hospital, no contractions ahead of time? Huh? Why not?

That's it. Hands down. I'm gonna be a man in my next life FOR SURE! Patrick will have to be the chick next time, or he'll have to be a gay guy, because I AM going to have a penis. No discussion.

They wanted to...

2004-08-23T13:10:00.000-07:00

... induce me today. So I wake up and I have a really bad headache, I'm seeing spots before my eyes, and I can hear the blood swooshing in my ears really loudly... I start to wonder if I'm having some kind of high blood pressure issue. Then a couple of hours go by and I notice that the baby isn't really moving. So I do the whole OJ thing and after an hour and a half baby only moves a tiny bit twice. I decide to go into the office, have them check my blood pressure, tell them about movement, better safe than sorry... kwim?

So I go down, blood pressure is fine. They hook me up to the monitor for a bit to check out baby. Had trouble finding the heart beat, but found it. Machine kept freaking out. Anyway, after I'd been on it a while the nurse comes in and gets the paper, looks at it and says she's going to go get the OB (my midwife is not in today). So he comes in and does a pelvic on me, I'm still at 2 and now about 80%. Then he gets my chart and him and the nurse start talking about calling down to the hospital to fit me in. I am freaking out, figuring the monitor indicated there is something wrong with baby... I'm like, "What's going on? Is the baby okay? Why do I need to go to the hospital??”

The OB says, “Oh, no baby is just fine. It's just that you are very inducible and you can go down and have the baby today.”.. I say... “Why?” He says “Because you are so uncomfortable”... I say “But the baby is fine?” He says, “Oh yes baby is just fine”.... so I tell him “No thank you, I'll just wait”.... He seems kind of annoyed at me...

I am only 36.6 weeks... Yeah, it would likely be fine to have the baby now, but WHY? So I told the nurse, “Yeah, I feel like a train wreck and I appreciate the Dr.'s sympathy for that, but if the baby's fine I'd rather have the baby bake”. She says, “You're just one of those rare women who would say no”... I said “REALLY?” She says, “Oh yeah if it was me I'd be in the car already”...

I don't regret my decision, but I feel kinda bad for pissing off the OB and wasting their time this morning since all is well...

Are most people REALLY that impatient? Bizarre.

So here I am...

2004-08-13T03:28:00.000-07:00

... at 3:30 AM listening to Counting Crows... again. I guess insomniacs like music made by fellow insomniacs.

And now for some bad poetry:

I walked out on the water
words flow through my veins
your face swims in my mind
your warm arms asleep in the bed
dreams of sleep dance through my head
and I chose to be alone
sweetness flows down the hall
down the stairs
and into my head
calling me home

My mother...

2004-08-10T22:17:00.000-07:00

... is driving me fucking crazy. She insists on being there when I am in labor. I have firmly told her that I will not even be phoning her when I am at the hospital. I DO NOT want her there. She agreed to drop it a few weeks back but just brought it up again. She's like "I had YOUR grandma there." That's nice. Don't give a fuck. I told her that we had already discussed this and that I would not have the conversation again.

She brings it up again and I will hang up on her!

AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Never talked...

2004-08-10T13:57:00.000-07:00

... about the ocean! So we went! And yes my fat ass did walk all over the place! I was very, very tired, but it was very fun. Patrick did surf and he had fun. The only thing was that when he turned his surfboard back into the place they left it sitting where he had put it and the wind blew it over and it DENTED this poor guys mini van. Do we have bad luck with cars right now or what?? Sheesh.

But it was fun and pretty. I didn't get sunburned. I saw lots of little critters and tried to ignore the bastard crab things.

My grandparents met us for lunch today. They are both pretty nutty, especially my grandpa. I haven't seen them since my baby shower like two months ago. As soon as we sit down he goes on and on for 15-20 minuets (literally) about some guitar player that was on PBS. I am 8 1/2 months pregnant and this is what he cares about. What a freak! (But I do love him, but he is nutty!). He also thinks we should name the baby Oscar. Riiiiiight. I got out of that conversation by telling him that Pat had a dog named Oscar! LOL

I am not particularly pissed off at anyone right now (imagine!) and nothing terribly crappy has happened lately, so this isn't going to be a funny entry. Linda's Mother-in-Law (Loud Mouth) did come down and stay uninvited at her house. Even though her own son even told her no!! So I went and got Linda yesterday and told her that Loud Mouth could just baby-sit for the day then, since she was going to impose. Linda was not allowed to feel guilty.

I was just reading on the pregnancy boards how someone's hubby got them a Mom-to-be day at the spa!! I am so fucking jealous!! I read it out loud to Pat (hint, hint). But we don't have that kind of money anyway! Mmmmm. I've never been to a spa. I wonder what it's really like!

Okay...

2004-08-07T23:44:00.000-07:00

...So I refuse on principal (or laziness - you choose) to drive down to Taco Bell this late at night. I don't care how pregnant I am. (Who am I kidding? I've done it TONS of times when not pregnant... it's laziness). So here's what I am doing instead.

I've got some tortillas in the cupboard that are frighteningly old. They aren't however (miraculously) moldy. They ARE pretty stale. So I've got one of those and some cheese and some sour cream (that officially goes past it's due date in just about 21 minuets). I've got the cheese and the tortilla in the microwave now... the questionable sour cream is all set to go.

I tried to give Sequoia the other of the tortillas. She sniffed it and looked at me. I dropped it on the kitchen floor so she could have it at her leisure. She then looked at me and seemed to say "It's a Frisbee stupid, THROW it don't drop it". Yeah, pretty stale. She won't touch it. But I, however, am going to eat this late night pregnancy concoction. Yes I am. I may regret it, oh well.

I NEED a soft taco...

2004-08-07T23:38:00.000-07:00

... in order to live.

Going to the ocean...

2004-08-04T22:35:00.000-07:00

... yes! We are going to the ocean tomorrow. My fat ass will be waddling out in the sand. My head will be covered in a scarf and black sunglasses. My skin will be smeared sickeningly think with sunscreen. It will rule.

Now don't take that the wrong way, I flipping love the ocean. I just hate the sun!

So some bimbo backed into our car in a parking lot yesterday. She was only going like 5 mph but the driver side door is crushed in and won't open. It's a good thing I wasn't driving. My fat pregnant ass would have had to have been pried out with the jaws of life.

The plus side is now we have a rental car. I love the rental car. I am thinking of making a shrine to it. I am not going to return it. It is mine.

I went to the doctor today. I am 34 weeks pregnant and she said I will only go 2-3 more weeks, but that it’s okay. All of the chicks on the pregnancy boards are like "nawww doesn't mean anything" I know they are right, but can't a person dream? If I have this baby at my due date, both my midwife AND the ob she works under will be gone. The stranger at the hospital will catch my baby. Excuse me but the whole fucking point of having a midwife was so I would have this person who I knew there with me most of the time. Now I am faced with the prospect of having a complete stranger show up in the last 10 minuets of my birth. Fucking lovely. That is why I hope she is right and baby comes sooner. My ass will be getting real friendly with the raspberry leaf tea next week.

I am sooooooo tired. Pat stayed up until like 3 am yesterday to get work done so he could get two extra days off. Then he got up at 5:45 to go to work. He said when he got home that rather than two days off he's just doing four days of work in two days instead. Yeah. I hope he gets to go surfing and has a great time. I really hope there are no sharks. I also really hope that there are no yucky crabs in the sand. I hate those fucking nasty things. I also hope that something freakish doesn't give me an infection from the ocean since I am two cm dilated. What's wrong with me? Where did the walking barefoot in the rain chick go? Well, even SHE thought those crab bastards were nasty. *shudder*

I hope Pat will wear sunscreen. But if he doesn't he'll burn and I can look forward to peeling the dead skin off. There's a bright side to everything.

Tomorrow night at this time I will be walking on the beach. Ahhh the beach with no sun. Now THAT I am looking forward to. And I WILL do it no matter HOW tired I am!!

In August And Everything After...

2004-08-01T22:50:00.000-07:00

... It's August! That means I'm supposed to have a baby next month! I say supposed to because there is always the chance I could have the baby this month! (I would write "her" instead of "the baby" but I just can't shake the possibility that "she" could be "he" despite what the ultrasound said).

So yeah I'm still on a Counting Crows kick. But really, when am I not?

I'm still having trouble sleeping. The baby never sleeps! It seems that way sometimes. I wish I was horny, or could have sex anyway. It really hurts me to have sex. Pat said he thinks it's pretty messed up for me to be extra sensitive because he's afraid it will make labor worse. I am just not going to think about that possibility. This is my punishment for always having an orgasm unlike most women. I can't have sex when pregnant... Fair trade.

So I got in a huge fight with my Sister-in-law (see previous post about "Sara, Fuck Off". She was insisting on staying here for a couple of weeks after the baby comes. She is really pushy and doesn't know about children. Plus, I just don't like having someone in the house that much. I am a solitary bugger. So I told her gently that I didn't think it was a good idea. She wigges out and says she'll just "leave the country" then instead. Whatever! So I wigged out right back. It's fine now, we are friends again and she is NOT coming! :-)

Yay me.

Had some brownies. Shouldn't have, but I did. We did nothing this weekend but we are going to the ocean to stay the night later next week. We got a rewards card from our credit card so we can stay in a pretty good hotel right at the beach for free. California rules.

I just saw something in the corner of my eye in the kitchen. I thought Pat was walking in, but he wasn't. Yeah, must be time to try and sleep!!! Yikes!

What the fuck...

2004-07-30T00:03:00.000-07:00

... am I still up for? It is past midnight. I am so pregnant. Why am I awake and not asleep? I can't stop listening to Counting Crows. I can't stop craving junk food (as in brownies). I can't decide to go upstairs. I can't forget to tell Patrick that the left headlight is out on the car. What is the point of going to bed when I will just get up and do the same bullshit stuff tomorrow? At least this is better than that. Does the baby ever sleep? Will this child have insomnia too just like me? Round here, she's always on my mind. But hey man, we got a lotta time. Round here we stay up very, very, very, very late.

The wigging out...

2004-07-25T19:56:00.000-07:00

... has begun. I am freaking out about this whole "baby" thing. What the hell was I thinking??? My dream life? Having catered food dropped off at my cabin in the woods, sleeping in every day, reading novels. I had the sleeping in and reading novels thing down on my days off... now I will never again have any sort of "day off" for years and years and years and years... I am supposed to take care of a PERSON? I am supposed to guide this person on how to behave in society? I am supposed to keep this helpless person alive?? What was I thinking? I feel extremely overwhelmed. I know all the lovely little pregnancy books say in their lovely little condescending way that "mommy-to-be may experience a spell of panic about the IMPENDING birth and about the prospect of motherhood..." and all the while you picture this fat 55 year old man writing this and about how "cute and dear" he thinks it is... that fucker.

Well this mommy-to-be is wigging out. How am I supposed to help someone be in the world when I can't even be in it? When I can't even keep my family members from walking all over me and treating me like shit? How can I be myself?? Who am I?
Am I Christine? Who is that? A daughter, a Wife, a Mother (almost), a friend, a lover, (oh shit now that god damn "I'm a Bitch, I'm a Blah blah... is in my head. That is a horrid little song). Am I something? Me, myself, without all of these rolls?? I'd like to think so, but I have no proof.

The one thing that calms me down is that I know my husband will be/is a great father... I have no doubt that HE should be doing this... and so I will trust his judgment in me and feel sure that I can do this too. Can I do this? Yes I can do this. Should I be doing this? Yes I should be doing this.

Now if I can just grow some balls, stop letting other people tell me what I should think is important in my life, then I will feel like I can handle things.

I'll start here:

Sara, Fuck OFF. I’m glad your warped sense of yourself, the world, other people, and what matters works for you. It doesn’t work for me so, FUCK OFF.

I feel better.

A joke...

2004-07-23T16:04:00.000-07:00

... my mother told me today:

"So guess what happened to one of the guys I work with last night? Him and his wife were eating peanuts, and he was throwing them up in the air and catching them in his mouth. Well, one landed in his ear! So he tried to fish it out, and his wife tried to fish it out with tweezers. They couldn't get it out so they were just about to go to the emergency room when their daughter got home from her date. Her date came up and plugged the dad's nose and told him to hold his breath tightly. It worked and the peanut came flying out of his ear. A little while later my friend and his wife were talking about their daughter's nice date who had saved them a trip to the ER. His wife wondered what the young man would go into after he graduated. The father piped up that from the smell of the young man's fingers he would be their son-in-law."

*shudder*

This joke is not only stupid, it is disgusting. This is the kind of crap she ALWAYS tells me.

I bet I have split personalities, and that one of my personalities is a homicidal maniac. It would make sense, after all. I don't have any right to be as sane as I am.

I feel...

2004-07-22T21:17:00.000-07:00

... really lonely. I guess it's because I'm stuck at home all alone now. Sequoia (dog) is good company, but she doesn't chat much. Hubby is having a bad time with family and work and he drowns himself in books whenever he is home. I don't mind, but I am lonely and am starting to feel depressed.

I got my hair chopped off today. I really like it. It's pixie hair. I don't think anyone else will like it, but I don't give a crap.

So I posted all that stuff about my mom the other day. I must be psychic, because then a couple of days later my SIL (Sister-in-Law) comes out to everyone that she is an addict (not news to anyone, mind) and all hell breaks loose. My other SIL is having it mostly all dumped on her and she keeps calling panicked and tearful. It's really sad. I should know what to say, but I don't. I just get frustrated.

I feel trapped. I don't know. To be honest, I want to be selfish. I don't want to help anyone. I feel pissed off and put-upon because there is no one who will help me with my mom, it all falls on me. There is also no one who will help me with my grandparents. I just want to run away rather than have to deal with all of that crap. I guess that makes me a bad person. Well, maybe not. I haven't run after all, but I want to.

Sometimes I wish I could move to where no one knows me. Like England. That was great. You can go and be yourself for once if no one knows you. You don't have all these people who know all about you, who expect and need you to act in a certain way in any situation. You are not put into a box by anyone if no one knows you. But the box is comfortable too, and I don't honestly know if I HAD to choose what I would choose.

I need to clean the baby's room. It's a freakin' mess. There are boxes and bags of shit everywhere. It's pretty sad. I guess once baby is a toddler who plays in their room that is how it will look anyway, might as well get used to it now.

Ooooh. So after I chopped my hair today, I come out to leave from the mall and my car won’t start. My husband when I call him (from a pay phone as I have no cell phone - yes gasp, it’s true) tells me “well we’ve got emergency road side service, call them.” Mkay, thanks. So I, being smart, go to the lovely security people and ask if they can help me and can give me a jump. They are super nice and one comes out right away to help. Well the jump makes no difference. Nada. So then I call the road side service.

So I wait for two hours. And I think about how I don’t have any money to pay for the repairs. I think about how I can’t ask anyone for money as we already have to ask for help with the baby hospital bills. I think about how we almost bought that other car last month, and how we should have even though we can’t afford the monthly payments.

Right before the tow truck came I tried the car again, no dice. So the fellow comes (nice guy) and asks me questions, takes information, gets into the car and... starts it right up. I proclaim he is magic. He, somewhat sheepishly, tells me “honey, I hate to tell you, but it was in drive, not in park”. Fuck. So I (only a little embarrassed) say “Well I am 8 months pregnant and blonde.” Nice Fellow says “I wasn’t gonna say”. Heh.

So fuck it. It was funny. Now I know to check the fucking SHIFTER (or whatever the real term for it is) if the car won’t start. God. At least we don’t need a new car, or a few hundred dollars on repairs.

I just found out...

2004-07-16T16:40:00.000-07:00

... definitively that my mother did drugs (hard core drugs) while pregnant with me. This isn't a shock, I had suspicions, but never knew for sure. I knew she did them before she had me and after. While she no longer does those types of drugs she continues to drink like a fish today. I've been having a hard time talking to my mother lately as it is. Now it's going to be really hard.

I don't have any respect for her. I have a tiny bit "because she is my mother" kind of thing, but that only stretches so far. That kind of respect doesn't hold up under pressure. My parents were, frankly, both idiots. They may have had their reasons for making the stupid life choices that they did, but they still made them. As a result they earned no respect from me. I used to have a lot of resentment towards them, but I had let a lot of that go.

Now that I am having my own kids, I find that the resentment is returning. I am having a lot of anger. Becoming a parent myself understandably puts their actions into a different light for me. I was at the point where I could say, and mean it, "Hey, they are just people trying to live their lives as best as they could, and they're not perfect and that is okay." But becoming a parent I find myself having a hard time wholeheartedly embracing that attitude. Frankly, it's not okay.

I resent the fact that I am put into the adult position of the relationship with my mother. I am not her parent, but I am forced to act like I am. I have to live through the guilt that a parent lives through when, despite all their love and their best efforts, their children continue to go down the wrong path. The fact is I am not her parent. I should be able to let it go. It's her life to fuck up. It really has nothing to do with me.

I just know that the first time she tries to give me even the most minute amount of advice on raising my child that I am going to snap. It stresses me out just to think about it. Sometimes I wish she'd just get the courage to stop killing herself slowly and get it over with for real so I can get on with my life.

There. It's said. It's harsh, but it's true. I've had to watch her committing cowardly suicide for my entire life. You can't feel sorry for someone like that, it's hard once you get past a certain point to feel anything other than contempt. Either get help and get over it, or get it over with. She is intent on victimizing everyone else around her. And she knows how to do it.

Maybe it would help if I got into a physical fight with her. I'd love to slap the hell out of her. Both as revenge and to try and slap some sense into her. I wish I could completely emotionally detach myself from her and never see her again.

So Bored...

2004-07-16T13:48:00.000-07:00

... Gah!

And I thought I wanted to stay home. I'm a freaking retard. Maybe if it wasn't, I don't know, 110 degrees outside (Linda it is TOO hot, you wierdo!! It's not just ME!!) then I could go outside. Or look outside. It's too hot to even look outside. I am too bored to sleep even. I wish I had something productive to do. Grrrr.

You can only bitch to your best friend about how bored you are on the phone so many times before that too loses it's charm. BUT her evil Mother-In-Law... (let's give the woman a name shall we? How about: Loud Mouth). Loud Mouth is coming to visit her for a few days so I am sure to have lots of new bitching material to listen to for entertainment. Ah, to profit from someone else's loss...

You can also only read SO MANY pregnancy books. Visit so many pregnancy sites. OMG what will I DO with myself???? I need a hobby. A big, fat, stimulating hobby. Like... crap I don't know.

Blogs I love...

2004-07-15T15:17:00.000-07:00

... I don't have a nifty little deal in my template for posting links to the websites of other brilliant minds, and I like the way this template looks, so I'm just gonna do this instead. Paste in these addresses for some (scary) fun reading.

Momster (formally My Bitchy Pregnancy)
http://www.geocities.com/shes_a_momster/

Does It Really Matter Anyway?
http://doesitreallymatter.typepad.com/

A Little Pregnant
http://alittlepregnant.typepad.com/alittlepregnant/

I have to post this because my hubby posts on here... it's not a PERSONAL blog though. You could learn about plants here http://www.scenicnursery.com

That's all for now. Should keep you a little busy.

Obsessive...

2004-07-15T14:48:00.000-07:00

... yes that word describes me. Right now I am officially on bed rest for my pregnancy (for the lovely dizziness) and out of work. But work, which keep in mind is a family business run by my Father-in-law, is insisting that I come in for some of the accounting paperwork. They would not need me if the bookkeeper was not a complete fucking nitwit. I had kindly offered to come in for free for two more days to tie up some other (non Nitwit bookkeeping) loose ends. I like the office manager, she is very respectful and courteous to me and I didn't want to leave her high and dry. Nitwit bookkeeper can burn in hell though. Does she grasp that my fucking doctor put me off work? I want to call her and tell her that I will come in as soon as I get a signed paper from her that she agrees to pay for all of my medical bills if I have pre-term labor. I don't really think I will go into pre-term labor, but it's the principal of the matter. That nitwit bitch.

I wish I had money to go see my counselor. I am getting all wiged out all the time about stupid shit. I'm sure my preggo hormones are the main culprit, but she would still be helpful for little ol' obsessive, anxious me.

I am still strangling Nitwit in my mind, by the way.

I'm Thinking of You...

2004-07-10T22:53:00.000-07:00

... You in that little tiny window, so close but so far. You with your newly dyed coppery hair shining in the unseen overhead light. Your white button up shirt. You with the desperation in your face. The wish to turn around and run, not walk back to me. You with the ache of sadness. And my own ache of sadness. Your too-big-jacket weighing on my shoulders. My mind tuned out to every sound around me. No thoughts able to form inside my head. I see your face there, through two windows in my mind, like it was yesterday, and tears roll down my face. How did I live through that? I guess a part of me didn't. Because watching you pull out of the garage tonight, to be gone for a mere few hours to have some much deserved fun, your face in the window flashed through my mind and the terrible pit of sadness is there. How did I live all those long months without you? Now, years later I'm not sure my life is real. Am I really married to you? Am I really carrying your child inside of me? Or is this all something inside my head, while I try and sleep alone at my parent's house?

You've been gone tonight for 45 minuets. As I write that I am reminded of my poem, written so long ago. Written months before you left when I died just thinking of your going. "And 45 minuets later I can still taste you, and your smell is on all of my things". I tried to sleep, but it is so quiet. I started to try and watch "The Family Man" and tried to laugh at the irony of the opening seen; he’s to go to school in London and is saying a painful goodbye to her at the airport. I see your face through the window and think about all of the different paths our lives could have followed after that day. You said to me once, after having known me for 2-3 months, we were walking down the street past the house with the big random boulders around the perimeter of the lawn, you interrupted some stupid conversation I was having with you and said something about two people who would have met and fallen in love if they had been born thousands of miles apart. You looked at me so piercingly. I know now out out of character that was for you. I keep that memory close to me, it was a magic moment. I wonder if you remember.

I don't allow us to have those any more. At some point I decided it was safer to not let you in. To not let myself believe that you love me as deeply as I love you. But I know, when I think of your face in the window, of the moments we have had where we seemed to stand outside of time, of you holding me at patting my big belly, I know it's just me not letting myself see. And I am filled with sorrow and regret. I am sorry. You are there and you are open and I chose not to see. I don't want to feel the pain of losing you ever again. So I lose you now, I cut you off now.

There was a saying that I tried to live by "I want to love first and live incidentally" and that is the way of courage. Because it is so much easier to allow yourself the laziness of caring about the everyday mundane things, than to stay above it in each moment and thank whatever gods there are that I am spending this moment with you. I hope one day when I am dying to have so many memories with you that I can't possibly remember them all.

I sit here, wishing you were here with me and calling out to you in my mind how much I love you, while your baby kicks, and kicks, and kicks me. And I am so thankful.

I love you.

Man people...

2004-07-10T20:16:00.000-07:00

... drive me nuts. We're having this little (or not so little) political debate on the evil that is the Nazi Mr. Bush over on the Counting Crows' message board. Fuck people are stupid.

That being said...

Hubby and Nephue are watching "Master & Comander" right now. That is a great movie. Watch it if you're a freak and haven't seen it yet. I am too hot to think so I shouldn't have started posting. Talk later!

Yay! Yay! Yay!

2004-07-09T11:35:00.000-07:00

My blog! It's alive! Alive!! And now I know it will be staggering around like the half dead thing it is that I have created. Yay me. No but I am really happy it's working again!

I went to the midwife yesterday and told her about the Horrible Dizziness that I always have now. She and I figure it's my hypersensitivity to hormones. She prescribed some sort of motion sickness drug for me to take that is safe for baby. So I took it today with high hopes of feeling excellent and not Horribly Dizzy. I still feel Horribly Dizzy, but now on top of that I get to have heart palpitations and bizarre tingling all down my arms. These two things were not on the pharmacy paper (what was on there though was "blurred vision" which I just find so extremely humorous for a medication prescribed for dizziness) so I called the pharmacy and the guy says "Looks like you're one of those lucky 1% that are allergic to certain types of antihistamines". Mmmm. Very lucky.

So now I'm thinking that I am like a canary or something... You know. My body can sense the presence of chemicals and it's like "Danger Will Robinson". So maybe I can make some money with that some how. Sure.

Because the thing is I need to make money. I don't know if I can get disability. And we have bills. I don't want it all on my poor husband. Right now it doesn't look good. I don't want him having that kind of stress. I keep trying to think of some sort of talent that I have that can make us money. Somehow "Look how dizzy she is people" doesn't sound like it's going to bring in the big bucks.

Just have to keep on thinking.

This blog isn't working right...

2004-07-09T11:33:00.000-07:00

... why not? Is this showing up? I have written some seriously funny shit that is now consigned to oblivion, it seems.

Figures.

Testing...

2004-07-05T21:22:00.000-07:00

... is this working? Gah!

People...

2004-07-05T21:13:00.000-07:00

... post some damn weird-ass personal shit on their blogs, you know?

You know who you are.

Freak show.

So I have been completely convinced that the baby is literally falling out of me for the past five days or so. Shit is painful, but most of all scary. You know I had the thought "hey if it's just going to FALL OUT labor can't be THAT bad." Right sweetie, I'm sure. I was for some reason thinking that I am 6 1/2 months pregnant over these days of freaking out... then today I realized, someone pointed out to me, that NO I am 7 1/2 months. Okay... not so scary. Way more reasonable for stuff to start getting freakishly uncomfortable right about now. Glad I didn't go to L&D and make an ass out of myself.

Pregnancy sucks. Sucks ass. Fat, hairy, ass. Sweaty too.

How in the hell do women work up until the end? Hats off to ya ladies. Or maybe you're all completely bonkers.

Got a new couch today...

2004-07-02T23:35:00.000-07:00

... It smells kinda funky. Not good in a "new car" kind of way. Gonna have to roll around quite a bit on that bad boy to get the funky stench out. “Won’t you get out - funky stench? Won’t you get out - funky stench?” (Yeah, you were supposed to think “Funky Town”).

Not depressed anymore... go you pregnancy hormones, go! There should be a comic strip hero called PH (pregnancy hormone). “Faster than the speed of light, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, 0 - bitch in .03 seconds”... you get the idea.

Yep.

I have a confession to make...

2004-07-01T23:35:00.000-07:00

I feel alone in the world, but I am not. I feel like I am drowning in my problems, but I don't really have any. I am healthy. My baby is healthy. My husband is healthy. He is healthy and wonderful and the loves me. I find myself sick with worry over money, but I don't really need to be. We have money. I just need to not want the things that I don't need.

My sin is the worst kind. Self inflicted. Imagined. I am depressed, scared, and often miserable. All over absolutely nothing.

There are people who I know who pull me down. They wallow. They want me to wallow with them. They want to dwell on all of the imagined wrongs done to them, at the horror that they see as their lives. Once, I was learning to cut myself away from that. The cutting was painful, but like an infected limb, the whole was so much better once the canker was gone. Canker is a funny thing, you think you have it licked, but if you aren't diligent, don't keep things clean enough, you turn around and it's infected you all over again. To cure it you must cut anew, and be more diligent in your cleanliness.

I have to cut these people out of my life. There is no real life with these people. I need to stand, and be happy within myself. All I have are my own perceptions. My life is my perceptions. I am my perceptions. I can control how I perceive things. Happiness and misery are mine to command, if I will only perceive it to be that way. It is as simple as the blink of an eye. Breath in, breath out, and life as you know it is different.

I mentioned earlier...

2004-06-30T20:14:00.000-07:00

... about how we had our baby shower and how it was awesome... at least I think I did. Anyway, my Mother-In-Law (STEP Mother-In-Law) had brought a cake to it, which was nice of her. The thing was that it was a brunch type shower with lots of pastries and stuff... So we kinda forgot to serve up the cake she brought. I felt bad and apologized to her for it afterward, and she said it was no big deal and she thought it was funny.

So my Grandmother calls me today and goes off for 10 minuets about how HORRIBLE I should feel for forgetting to serve this cake. I explain that I did feel quite bad when the mistake was realized, that I apologized to my MIL and that she was over it. My Grandmother says "You're lucky it wasn't me, I would have been furious." And on and on she goes. She literally said she would have been furious 5 times.

Furious? Give me a break!

This woman must need a hobby. Or maybe she needs to get laid. Guess my Grandpa's colostomy bag might be a damper on the love life. I'd get here a "toy" next Xmas but somehow I don't think that would go over too well.

Sheesh.

Why is it that I hate most people?

You know you're borded when...

2004-06-29T17:34:00.000-07:00

... watching your husband fish on the game Animal Crossing becomes something truly riveting. That game is awesome. You can get all the thrill of fishing without the stench, the sun, or harming any fishes. Plus you can write dirty little notes to all of the animal characters. There is something very satisfying about seeing a cartoon koala bear read a note to you about slipping someone a "hot beef injection".

I worked...

2004-06-28T19:51:00.000-07:00

... for 9 1/2 fucking hours today! 9 1/2!! And I am SEVEN MONTHS PREGNANT. My poor hubby worked for almost 12 hours, but I figure, what with baking the baby at the same time as working and all, that we are about even.

Why did I work for 9 1/2 hours? Because it was better than being at home. At home with no cable. No couch. No book to read except Star Trek. In bed. In the summer. Fun. Work was better than that. 9 1/2 hours and very uneventful... not even any shit to talk about coworkers. Hummm.

I am obsessed with the Pottery Barn "Happy Tails" bedding. I don't know why. I mean, it's cute and all, but christ woman get over it. We had a long but good weekend. We had our baby shower and all most everyone came... I can't believe how much shit people gave us (shit in a good way) I am shocked. It ruled. But am I done obsessing about the Happy Tails you ask? ... nope.

If I had a magic wand right now, I'd have mexican food served up and a chocolate malt. I'd also make tons of room in my stomach so I actually could eat however much I want... yes that is what I would do. While I was at it, I'd have my back AND feet massaged at the same time... mmmmm...

So here I am...

2004-06-27T10:33:00.000-07:00

I have a lot of thoughts swirling around in my brain, rather drowning my brain. I need a place to purge these thoughts. I am thinking that The Way To Sanity may be on this path. We'll see.

I doubt anyone I know will ever read this, so I am going to be honest and write whatever the fuck I want. So there.

First things first.

I hate most people.

Wow that felt good.

I am a bad person because my husband is currently VACUUMING THE CEILING in order to clean the house in prep for our baby's arrival and I am sitting here typing to the ether about how I hate most people.

The guilt is too much, so I am going to stop now and at least make the effort to appear like I am a useful member of society. Okay, fuck society. A useful member of this household.

See ya soon. Oh yes, very soon.